To Everyone I Love...

To everyone I love, this is dedicated to you all for 2008. It's a new year , a new focus, a new determination. I've done a lot of growing in the past couple of years and my only regret that I let some family leave this world without telling them how much I appreciate them, how much I love them, and what they mean to me. With that being said, let meaningless trivial drama go. Let things that don't matter go. Let past hurt go. Let past failure go. Let generational curses go. Let go of the things that don't make you a better person. Let go and let God. Let us focus on becoming closer to God. Let us strive to be all that God wants us to be and more. Let us focus on building a better life, a better church, a better home, a better family, a better you, a better us. I love you all. To my beautiful, intelligent, and talented girlfriend. I love you. 2008 is going to be better than it's ever been. My family, I will always be there and I will always need you and love you. My Freedom School brothers and sisters and my Freedom School students, I love you and know I will always be there for you. We have something inside so strong and it's not cake mix. lol. And to all my friends, even when you don't see me and you don't hear from me as often, always know that we are still friends and I'm always a phone call away. I love you all and I'm praying for you. So with that people, welcome to 2008...Let's get it!

Learning to trust...

Scars are constant reminder of a time in your life when we have endured some type of physical pain. Take for instance the scar over my right eye just below my eye brow. When I take a close look at it, I can practically relive the the pick up game after my work out and feel the pain of an out controller player as I went for a steal and we bumped heads. I can even hear the thumping sound in my head and and see the blood flow. Or every time I look at my left index finger and see the scar on the lower part of my finger, I remember how I got my finger caught between a door at the Biomedical library at South Alabama while moving medical journals for the new shelves to be installed on the first floor. A little FYI, I get a little faint at the sight of blood, especially my own. Anyway, I've figured out that emotional scars work about the same way. However, familiar events or behavior can trigger old feelings of hurt even when you are in a new situation. I didn't realize until tonight, how deeply I was hurt by my girlfriend when we broke up. However, it wasn't her fault I had these emotional scars to begin with. It was a past relationship that made an already private person become even more emotionally secluded and distant to any notion of love. I realized I've put some young ladies between then and now through some hell for those reasons. Letting people get close to me is a hard thing for me to do in this life. With so many people bouncing in and out of my life, I haven't been the one to trust many in my life time. I think what makes things worse for me is that when I finally do allow myself to trust or allow someone to get close to me is when for whatever reason they leave. And for me abandonment is a feeling that cuts deeper than any physical pain. The crazy thing is I know we are gonna have our ups and downs. We have had those moments already, but as much as I love you, care for you, need you, and want you, sometimes I can't help but to feel nervous. I could have everything in this world but a sense of peace in my heart with these trust issues would be better than silver and gold. I love you and I'm getting better each day as I grow as a young man, but most importantly as I grow as a Christian man. Please bear with me as these emotional scars continue to heal. I love you.

Making sense of it all...

There's a quote that's been stuck in my head for a few days now.

"It is when we are not afraid to fall that we fly the highest."

It's a moral that I should have taken away when I read, Johnathon Livingston Seagull for a class.

It's the same sentiment the Coach Carter-catapulted- Marianne Williamson quoted-Nelson Mandela credited- "Our Deepest Fear" speech holds.

But I like it better.

Once I accept that falling (and also failing) is an option, although not THE option....

maybe,

.....I can write again.
Without fear that words will fail/leave me. Write without fear that my words will betray me and show things I never meant to display.

...I can love again.
Without fear that I will give myself, my all to a woman who doesn't deserve it. Without fear that pain and love will once again become so synonymous, so intertwined that it takes me years to decipher between the two again.

....I can achieve.
Without fear that I won't perform up to my standard. The one I hold myself to. The ones others hold me to.

Maybe, just maybe....

When I quit looking down and remembering how the ground looks, I'll be able to appreciate the vastness of the sky.

Maybe when I realize that once it hurts, that's all it can do.

On this day

GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

Courage to change the things I can and...

Wisdom to know the difference...

Amen.

BORED...

If there is one thing I could say about being a teacher, your day always has something going on. However, I'm not in that role anymore and working for the city can be very dull some days. I'm not mad, I'm just use to constant movement, plus its always cold in this building. None the less, the stress level is nice and low around here. I can't be mad, I'm just so bored. I guess thats my fault. I'm the one that likes to get all of my work out the way first and then relax. Anyway, this is the first entry I've done in the middle of the day in a long time, and even though my spirits have been in good cheer my mind continues to wonder on a subject that makes me smile and hurt at the same time. I know its just because I miss her, but I can't help it sometimes. I know everything will be good in the long run, I just can't help but to miss her touch. The way she leaned on me, or how good I felt when I held her. But I digress, I need my job so let me look like I'm doing something. I'll get into this later. Peace.

A good day

For the past couple of nights I've been real excited about this trip to see the game and then make my way to Atlanta to see my family. Since I'm working for the city now, I can't call in and get a sub. You just have to go when you're going. Truthfully, I'd rather go to Tampa this weekend. However, I made a promise to make it to the game. It was nice to see some people from South I haven't seen in a while and a couple of teammates from Bevill State I haven't seen in forever. It really took me back to see how far I've grown and reminded me on how much further I have left to go. The strangest thing is that everyone looks older than me. I know part of it is facial hair but some of my people look like time or stress took them outside and roughed them up a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to make it all the way to Jasper. It would have been nice to see Coach Epps or Todd's mom who made the first tater tot casserole I ever had. I know Coach King who ran the dorm is gonna be a little ticked off I didn't make it down there when he hears I was that close by. It's hard to admit, I kinda missed the whole underclassmen college experience, even though I was a twenty year old freshman, life was pretty easy then. I didn't know much but the lessons learned on 1411 Indiana Avenue will stay with me forever. Anyway, I've been in Atlanta for about an hour now. I should have been here closer to midnight, but I had to stop my friend's apartment to see his new baby and then at by Cousin's house who conveniently lives around the corner from another friend of mine from college. I wasn't sure if I even needed to leave after the game because I was so sleepy. Actually, I was sleepy on the way up from home. If it wasn't for the Grace of God, that coffee, and Amber talking me on the way up, I would have stopped in Montgomery at my cousin Kim's house and picked it up in the morning. None the less, it was a good day. Even though it was extremely hot outside, it was a good day. Anyway, a lot of my cousins are going to meet up downtown. My favorite cousin and I are going to look in a jewelry store first before the rest of us get together. No, I'm not buying an engagement ring for Amber. We decided we needed to slow things down. Long story. Refer to previous entries if you want that background information. However, I do want to get her something that shows her how much I care. Well, that and to show her I'm not that tight with money. Lol. Seriously, I've never been the one to share my personal feelings or buy anything for anyone to let them know what I'm thinking, but for her I could. For her, I will. Even if I don't find what I'm looking for, the fact I would even go is saying a lot about me and my growth. Either way, her being in my life is a "good thing".

Well, I guess that's it for the night...morning. I need to get some running shoes while I'm downtown too. You know Friedman's is my spot, my shoe haven. Lol. Anyway, my eyes are getting heavy and I need to say my prayers because I'm truly thankful for this good day. Peace.

It's getting close to that time

It's getting closer to that time for Amber to go back to school. Of course I'm going to miss her but I'll be alright. I really appreciate her, and I'm truly blessed to have found her. Tonight we saw Rush Hour 3, it was funny but not the best one out of the series. The fact, I can just sit with her and watch tv or catch a movie and just relax is all that I really need. I actually like it when she puts her legs over mine and goes into her zone. I know we have been seeing too much of each other, but what's the summer compared to the next couple of semesters? Either way, her going back to school will be good for us. I know some nights I've visited even though I was tired and sleepy but I went because she asked. I like I have a hard time saying no to her. Being the type of young lady she is, I know she is only going to do things to help us. Plus, her mom and her Aunt can throw down in the kitchen, so it's always a plus to get up and go. Anyway, I'm excited about grad school. Going to Alabama State has crossed my mind again, however, I want to stay here and save some money to buy a house. I'm not saying I'm buying a house in Pensacola or I will, but when the time comes I want to be ready. Oh well, I need to be in the bed anyway. I have a lot to do tomorrow. Peace.

201

I don't think too many people our age have seen the movie "Wildcats" about a woman who takes over a inner city high school football team from Chicago. At one point in the movie the Coach challenges all of the players to an endurance run and if she stopped running before the last person stopped she would quit the team. Well, after discussing the benefits of excercise with the summer camp kids I gave them the same challenge except the winners would get lunch. Well, since we ran inside the gym around the basketball court everyone knew that 20 laps around is one mile. Honestly, in my head I figured after 60 laps more than 3/4 of the group would be gone, however, only half had finished. And even at 100 laps there was still about 15-20 kids. But at 176 laps there was six kids still moving with a good stride. Before I knew it I had to run 201 laps to win which is 10 miles. We ran for an hour and fourty-five minutes straight without stopping and my legs are wobbly even a few hours after the fact. Before today I had never run more than six miles straight without stopping. I guess you never know what you can do until you try. Right know I'm trying to figure out how those Africans win all those marathons. Not to be offensive but ten miles hurt, I can't imagine running twenty four. Anyway, I'm praying now to get through the night without leg cramps. Overall, this was an interesting experience. I'm not sure if I will do it again though. LOL. Peace.

You're still here...

You never know how your random acts of kindness will affect people. A simple gesture can become an instrument of building a bridge from isolation to acceptance. Or kind words to a stranger can motivate someone to change the world for better. For me, I had the first of the two thanks to two very special people who I met upon my permanent return to Florida. Damarius "D-Man" Collins and Anwar Lett probably will never know how much there kindness meant to me but if I could tell them thank you, I would. It's bad enough I was 5th grader trapped in an 9th grader's body and extra tall for my age, but to top it off I spoke with a serious west coast accent that for some strange reason was interpreted as "talking white" because that same accent came along with what we like to call "speaking proper." None the less, the first time I stepped out on the practice field for A & G no one would talk to me. Not even the guys from my class. But everyday D-Man went out of his way to jog with me, stretch with me, talk with me so I could understand this game I never played before called football. Since he was the quarterback he explained the terminology on both sides because I played both ways the entire season starting at defensive end and tight end. Anyway, I went on to be Defensive MVP but what we shared as friends went beyond football. Even through middle school when all of the guys from our crew went to regular middle school and I went to accelerated middle school, D-Man was one of the few who didn't turn their noses up at me, and when we got to high school together, nothing had changed. I always admired his service to the community as well. Every Saturday during baseball season D-Man walked to the ballpark and cut all of the kids hair for free. However, one Saturday in late Spring of 1995 he had a choice to make. After running across the street to grab a bite to eat from the corner store he turned to see his little brother who was a heavy set kid in the path of a speeding car. He dropped everything ran back out into the street and pushed his little brother out of the way. Unfortunately D-Man didn't make it. I remember riding my bike on the way to the park with a couple of my friends and being stopped and being told what had happened. The newspaper later confirmed the rumors that day. The driver was drunk and was doing nearly 80 in a 35. Before we could get home to have our parents take us to the hospital to see him. D-Man had passed on to a better place. I always heard these two things about his passing. One, to save his life they would have had to amputate both of his legs. If that was the case it would have been better for him to go because he loved to run around all the time and had just found out he was the projected starter on varsity at cornerback. The second rumor was, while his family was in shock and crying, with his last few breaths he was trying to calm his mother and family down. I heard he was saying "Mama it's ok. I'm gonna be alright." Even then he was a selfless individual, always giving back, always there to lend a hand. I still miss my homie to this day. At graduation I couldn't help but to think about him. He was my friend. I know he is physically gone but he is still here.

Just like my man my mellow Anwar Lett. If D-Man was my homeboy, Anwar was my big brother. He lived right down the street when I moved to East Hill. Even though he was older, he always looked out for me. When I got to that accelerated middle school, no one bothered me accept a couple of his knuckle head friends but they were cool to me for the most part too. The cool thing about it was, when my cousin Na-Na wasn't around he watched out for me. So when I got to high school, it was no different. I use to walk a lot but if he ever passed me on the street in his car he always turned around and asked me if I needed a ride. It didn't matter which way I was going either. He was even the one that kept me from getting beat up at school during freshmen beat up week. Even though later on he sent some guys to hassle some of us at the park as a joke. I'll never forget that, we were scared to death. lol. Anyway, he was my big homie. He is the reason why I look out for the little guys now, give them a little guidance. Anyway, before a game one Saturday night I was informed that on his way back from Tallahassee he fell asleep behind the wheel. He didn't make it. I took both passings hard, but not even death could take away our friendship or the respect I have for both of them. They may not be here physically but you're still here.

Working Way Too Hard...

Let me apologize to all of my family and true friends. I know I haven't been accessible lately but it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate you. I don't know what it is but the last two summers I have been working some long hours and one summer driving 60 plus miles to get there and back. However, I'm not complaining. I like working, you know? The old saying goes "If a man don't work, a man doesn't eat." And I like to eat. Sorry, let me be real about that one, I love to eat. But hard work doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, and I'm definetly a strong young man. Either way, I miss all of you so much. It's hard to talk to the ones that I only speak to once a week and hard to give all the time and attention to that I speak with everyday. However, I'm here whenever any of you need me. Doesn't matter what time of...wait, it does matter. I'm up between 6 and 6:30 every morning. Most morning I'm up before the first alarm goes off which means I'm in the bed ealry too. But if I don't answer I'm not ignoring you, I may be sleep or at work in a place and time when I can't answer. None the less, know that I'm still Everett and I'm still here. The future is so bright but I gotta put in a little O.T. to get there from here. Smell me? Anyway, I'm making that move know to get parallel to the mattress. I love you all and YOU (you know who you are), I love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be. Goodnight. Peace.

New Rules Part 2

Once again, the world went crazy so it's time for: NEW RULES!

New rules: During concerts rappers on major, indie, or underground status should be hooked up to lie detectors while performing at shows. If everybody is so real and the self proclaimed killer/hustler/baller they are, then it shouldn't be a problem. But to make it more interesting while performing all these "thug" lyrics, for each lie there should be a enough voltage to start a car. After one verse we'll find out who was really hardcore and who was a Boy's Scout. Cam'ron you're up first. But please don't come to the stage in an extra medium wife beater and boxers.

New rule: It should no longer be called politics. Instead, lets not call our government by what it says it is, but by what it does..."Pimpin'" 30 is not the new 20, gay is not the new black, but politics in America is pimpin'. Our government took over a country that holds a ton of oil but yet gas prices went up. Our government told another country they were going to be free by pointing guns in their faces. But to top it off our Vice President and the President's father are profiting financially in a war in which we supplied guns for in the early 80's and didn't finish in the early 90's. If that ain't some pimp issh for you! We can start trouble, cut taxes for the rich, and spend up all the surplus and tell you why and how you're gonna like it or love it. Wow. Pimp on.

New rule: Angelina Jolie has to adopt the next baby Eddie Murphy has to prove he is not gay. I don't think he'll get any objections from J. Anthony Brown. However Eddie for the comedic genius you are, having children and parading around with every A-list single woman celebrity in America is not a good way to cover up. It's a desperate attempt to cover up how that terrible thing you called a movie...Norbit. But I guess the real question is, were you giving or receiving from Johnny Gill when you asked "How you doing?"

New rule: Middle and poor working classes of all races should get together and have a huge party and celebrate the first time when a rich white person had to go to jail. I'll admit I was rather happy when Paris Hilton went to jail, but when she got out 3 days later I was outraged at the justice system once again. But isn't America great? My faith in the American legal system got a much needed boost of confidence today. That skinny, spoiled, skank went back in the joint today and now has to serve her remaining sentence. It must be the end of the world as we know it when rich white folks can't buy there way out of jail. Oh well. I hope you know how to fight Paris. If not, your choices are jelly or syrup. Good luck.

The Divine Blessing

Let me learn all of you
I mean every intrinsic part of you
Your sarcastic voice, your intense expressions
That thing you do when you're beyond satisfied...

Let me feel your true essence
The solid weight of your incredible presence
Help me to understand who you are
Where you find balance in life
What spirit is at the center of your being
What types of dreams you've been dreaming...

Take me to that special place
I'm trying to go there with you
I want us to explore something new
Because I can tell there's more to see
You show me you, and I'll show you me
Take your time, let's do this slowly
Yet passionately
Because this prayer answered is a journey,
Cause we are a divine blessing...

The Life: The Soundtrack

I normally don't like these surveys too much, but I love music. So download these and let me know what you thing about me and my music:

My Life: The Soundtrack


Opening Credits: Through The Wire - Kanye West

Waking Up: Open Up My Heart - Yolonda Adams

First Day At School: Something Inside So Strong - Labi Siffre

Falling In Love: Beautiful Surprise - India Arie

Fight Song: Mama Said Knock You Out - LL Cool J

Breaking Up: If I Was A Bird - Floetry

Prom: Only You - 112

Life's OK: In A Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington

Mental Breakdown: We Fall Down - Donnie McClurkin

Driving: Show Me What You Got - Jay-Z

Flashback: Juciy - The Notorious B.I.G.

Getting Back Together: Ordinary People - John Legend

Wedding: Nothing Even Matters - Lauryn Hill and D'Angelo

Amazing Hot Sex Porno Scene: Say Yes - Floetry

Birth of Child: Order My Steps - Mississippi Mass Choir

Final Battle: Victory - Puff Daddy ft. Notorious B.I.G. and Busta Rhymes

Death Scene: The Miseducation Of - Lauryn Hill

Funeral Song: I Won't Complain - Rev. Paul Jones

End Credits: Keep Ya Head Up - Tupac

Incomplete Thoughts...

Started (5/20/07)

For like three weeks now I've been trying to finish this blog. For three weeks now, I've been having this feeling. For three weeks now, I've felt sorrow. For 3 weeks now, I've learned to let it go. It's all in God's hands. It's all in God's plan. So it's not good bye to my cousin Evan and Uncle Levon, it's only a see you later. If it be many many years from now or by the God coming to carry us away in The Rapture, I'll see you one day. But now I'll hold on to our memories. You're physically gone but your presence is always felt. Your smiles are always warmth to a gloomy day. Evan was only 15 months old and Levon 70 years young, but both family members we loved dearly. So here is my incomplete thought for you both. I'll never forget this day either. After Evan passed there was to be a wake or family hour of some sort and I left work to show my support to my family. However, without notice the time was changed for later in the evening. While trying to get more information on the baby, I turned around to the board of upcoming services of people at Joe Morris Funeral Home. And there it was...

Mr. Levon Simpson

I wasn't sure who I was crying for at that moment. One family in the front of the funeral home and one in the back. I think it hurt more because of the way I found out. Evan's passing made me ponder the book of James in The Bible. Mr. Simp had been ill for some time and I had myself prepared but why lie, it hurt. It wasn't enough time to finish mourning one to the other. Evan was layed to rest on the 12th of May and Uncle Levon on the 17th. But now that the time has passed, I've confirmed a few things in my heart. God will not put more on us than we can bare, our testimonys don't come without a test. Tell your family members often that you love them, because you don't know when you will be able to say it again until God calls us all home on that day. Black people...please don't let funerals double as family reunions. See your family and let your childern interact with one another. It's important for us to know one another outside of a mourning period. And lastly, Joy does come in the mourning/morning. If you don't get that one, shoot me an email and we can talk about it. Thought complete. (6/3/07)

Round trips

Lots of times in life we return to things that felt good.

Places we were happy in.

Things that made us smile.

Here I am.

But then reality sets in.

It didn't work out for a reason.

Or were you a season?

You definitely weren't a lifetime.

I'm sitting here getting ready for work and reading you email.

Thinking.

What do you want from me?

Why do I need to think about the good or bad times?

What do we have to talk about?

I've moved on.

Years ago.

Make this your last trip.

One way.

In the opposite direction of me.

Simple words

It only takes one act of random kindness to make someone feel better about the world they live in, but sometimes it means so much more when a few simple words from someone who means something sheds light on your dark day. Evan's death has seemed surreal at times and I find myself getting frustrated and plunging into a series of questions about life. However, I got a text message today that calmed my soul because it reminded that there are moments that do take your breath away. The text message simply said "I can't wait to spend time with you. :-)" You may never know this but I can't wait either and that text brought the first smile to my day. Thank you.

The Greatest Rapper of All Time Died on March 9th

Everyone says hip-hop is dead. Well, it died for me on March 9, 1997. I couldn't believe it when I heard it, read it, or watch it on tv. It all hit me in the head like people in those Vonage commercials. Christopher Wallace a.k.a. The Notorious B.I.G. dead and gone due to senseless violence. A night which was meant for celebration ended with a mother losing a son, a son losing a father, and hip-hop losing it's greatest MC.

I know you have to be like ummmm....Why are you taking this one personally? Well, for me he was more than the music. When he came out I was a chubby, ok, round, ok, thick, ok fat kid. I had been skinny all my life and one day I blew up. And I was uncomfortable with who I was at the time. Then came along the blackest, fattest, ugly rapper who was suave, charismatic, bold, and confident. I had my first example of whoever you are...like it and love it. And of course before he came along I was naturally called Big-E, well I had a style I could run with and make my own. And as time went on I slimmed down (way down) but I had a swagger that was pretty strong by this time. Then between all of that, he made music that you could dance to, chill with, and get hype with. He was a rapper's rapper and the best rapper lyrically. Even in his death a lot of today's rappers know if he was still alive they would not be doing what they do now. Biggie dropped lyrics and lines that to this day that are being stolen, borrowed, and honored. Tupac was a passionate MC that could make the ABC's sound good, but Biggie was the MC who could conceptualize the alphabet into a story about life's struggles and the hustle of the streets. But what made him the best, as he changed his lyrics and songs changed too. He was true to his himself and his environment. How many MC's can actually rap about the struggles of success? How many can turn violent overtures into thought provoking metaphors? None...

But what really saddens me, this didn't have to happen. A young man who turned in the life of the streets to find a better way, dead and gone, but never forgotten.
B.I.G. 4EVA



"My mind, my 9, my pen, my mack 10. My target? All you wack MC's that started rappin'."
-The Notorious B.I.G.-

New Rules

One of my ultimate long term goals is to become a Congressman or other high ranking political official. So with that in mind, I know all of my ideas aren't serious but these would be some of my "NEW RULES":

New rule: If you can get a ticket for running a red light, you should be able to get a ticket for sitting at a green light. I refuse to believe it was that urgent to reply to text message while driving. If anyone misses the light because you had to say "I-D-K" they should be able to kick your "A-S-S" and you should be fined.

New rule: Reality tv should have to be real. Instead of "House Swap" lets try "Hood Swap." Lets take that upscale family and their bratty kids from Delaware out that six bedroom home and drop them off in a two bedroom apartment in a housing project in oh I don't know lets say...COMPTON. Lets see how real it gets then when you have to see how the other half live.

New rule: The next time a black man of affluence, fame, or fortune gets in trouble behind a white woman, he should have to serve 30 days in jail automatically. Johnnie Cochran is dead and if you didn't learn anything after O.J., Kobe, or the Prime Minister of The Bahamas you're a dummy. Even if you're found not guilty the 30 days should serve time for being stupid.

New rule: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown should be court ordered to stay together. Even though New York has been jilted three times on the same network, its nowhere near as funny as Bobby and Whitney. Those two were strung out on drugs. New York's behavior doesn't make sense because she is clean.

New rule: Gas prices should never get so high again that you have to treat filling up your car like a bill. Because by the end of the day you may have wasted half a tank running around town paying bills. Filling up your vehicle twice a week should not be equal to your electric or water bill. Thanks George.

New rule: For the next President of The United States of America, the public persona cannot be he would lose badly on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" Disagree if you would like. But ask yourself, in that game, would you bet on the current President against any 5th grader you know?

"Real Talk?"

Hip Hop has influenced the social landscape to a point that everything we do, say, wear, or think derives from this culture. Unfortunately, at times we allow the language that infiltrates our everyday lives to become our primary words of expression. However, if we actually took the time to realize that some (not all) slang devalues what we say and the very being of who we are. Take for example the phrase "real talk." Of course it sounds good, but think about it for a moment. Do you honestly believe the validity, sincerity, or quality of any statement that has to being or end with the phrase "Real Talk?" I think Andre 3000 said it best..."If you say real talk, I probably won't trust you." If you are forward with your words then there is no point to validate the seriousness of what you are saying. Take for instance, would you buy a car from a salesman that had to say "real talk" before describing the reliability of the vehicle in question? Would you feel comfortable with a doctor that said "real talk" before describing your medical condition? Would you be so trusting about anyone you're trying to date explaining their past by beginning or ending their comment by saying "real talk"? For you Scarface fans, even he had the classic line on this subject. All Tony had was "his ball and his word." Your word as a man or woman will be only defined or validated by your actions. Because even people who have spoken "real talk" have gone back on their word. I'm pretty sure Judas said something close to this before he betrayed Jesus, and we all know how that turned out. But in the end, it's best to follow God's word on your words. "Let you yes be yes, and you no be no." Mean what you say and say what you mean and the rest will take care of itself. God is love.

The Purpose Re-Loaded

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank You for Your abundant provision in my life. I am grateful, not only for financial provision, but for the spiritual blessings that You have also given me. I do appreciate daily strength and health so that I am able to be diligent in all of my affairs. Give me wisdom so that I might prepare for the future properly. Ultimately, my faith and trust are in You, as You hold the future; however, may I not neglect those things in the natural that need to be done, so that I am not ill prepared. Lord, also, I do not want to forget to give and help others along the way as well. May I be a good steward over all that You have given me. I ask this in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.

I am...

I am
Different from what you previously expected
And not in the least subjected
To any one else's skewed opinions

I am
The only one that He created me to be
The uniquely designed son of HIS creativity
And embracing my innermost spirituality

I am
A highly motivated natural-born leader
A habitually chronic over-achiever
And never compelled to become a people-pleaser

I am
Unstoppable in all of my pursuits
Unrelenting in my search for what's true
And undisturbed by my perceptions of you

I am
Too energetic to just waste my time
Bold enough to cross any obstacle line
And focused enough to work diligently for mine

I am
So intense that I get misunderstood
Much too passionate for my own good,
And I wouldn't change any of this if I could.

I am...

One day at a time

I've meet some incredible people in my life, but none quite like her. She is...well, interesting to say the least. Very intriguing. I'm not sure what it is, but I like it. I'm actually a little afraid to talk about it before I know more. Phone calls and text are good right now, not too much. But I will say this, she has something that no woman not related to me has had in a very long time, my full attention. That's interesting. But I digress, one day at a time.

Shame and Change

No one ever likes to be reminded of who they once were before they made that pivotal change in their life. You know that moment, where life's best moments and achievements are in a lighted view in a not so far distance. However at the same time, you look back over your past indiscretions with shame and slight embarrassment. I'm not talking about your mother holding up a pair of underwear in a department store and shouting out loudly..."Son do you like these?" Or not even that embarrassing moment when you bring a young lady home to meet your family for the first and your older cousins tell stories about the times you peed in the bed or break out naked booty baby photos. I'm talking about those times in your life when the only question that comes to mind is "What in the hell was I thinking?"

Honestly, in the back of my mind I knew Kenisha (Shon) would never be together. But for various stupid reasons I kept allowing myself to get caught up with her to the day she got married. I allowed my heart and mind to come into a agreement about the wrong person, Kenisha. Don't get it twisted, I had a lot of fun with her, I learned from her, but she wasn't right for me. I made a poor judgement call in trying to make someone who was in my life for a season and tried to make them into someone for a lifetime. That was the first mistake. Now the second mistake is really embarrassing. Because in retrospect, I played myself big time in a role that most women find themselves being in. First of all, I got myself twisted between real emotions and sex...and a lot of it. I think I was doomed for failure from the jump in this aspect. One, it had only been the summer since I had broken away from Audra. That was a GREAT thing. However, I noticed a lot of young women were dealing with me with kid gloves. So dating wasn't my thing for a moment. Now flirting was. Wow...I should have written my own book about flirting, dating, and getting numbers just from that summer alone. But that's another story. Anyway, once I met someone who didn't really know that situation and didn't care, it was cool. But inexperience in dealing with sex and emotions was my downfall. What was real and what felt good for the moment got crossed up. Now, this normally happens to women and they wind of staying in bad relationships or even going back to them. I stayed like a dummy knowing that the chance of actually being with her was slim. This is classic argument between mind and heart and being and Aries, we always take a shot even if there is a small possibility.

Anyway, it's been two years since what I've considered the worst day of my life, and these are the conclusions I've come to at this time:

1. It was not the worst day of my life. I wasn't smart enough to know that it was a new door opening for me.

2. Holding on to someone that isn't for you, will hold you up from the person that God is trying to bless you with.

3. Sex is a good thing. And if done the right way sex can be a GREAT thing. However, when outside of marriage it's nothing. See sex is a a physical act. When married it's a physical act and spiritual connection. Which trumps just the physical part of it alone. Having sex with someone you're in a relationship is actually a waste of time and a waste of your body. The act is supposed to be special and shared only with the person you have married. Which brings me to my next point..

4. If sex is that good when I thought I was in love and I thought I was making a connection...OH GOOD LORD! I CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET MARRIED. Just the thought of it is about to make me flip this table over. lol.

5. I really need to repent. Not only have I displeased God with my actions but in many ways I've given away parts of me that only belong to my wife. I pray that they both forgive me even though I don't know who or when my wife is coming.

6. My needs and wants from a wife should be clear. I know what I want from a wife but I have no clue what goes into a relationship that serious. So when I get there with whoever, I hope the lessons we learn together make us closer.

7. I need to get myself together to be that man. It's not enough being "that guy" but the best man I can be for God and for her.

With that, I'm out. Peace.

Praying like a grown man...

Please don't take this as an hyper critical observation, but as black men we all really need to step up in our spiritual life. Now I understand, "The Lord's Prayer" is the model for prayer, and its a prayer shared in most athletic locker rooms across the counrty professional or otherwise, however, it is the same prayer most of us have been saying since we were beginning elementary school and playing little league football.

Before each game where I play once a week in a church league, there is a prayer before each game. Usually, someone is asked to volunteer to pray and then there is that awkward moment of silence before anyone steps up to pray. Then it hit me today, as black men including myself, we seem to get excited and volunteer for things that are not relevant to the growth of our walk with Christ. I was actually ashamed of myself that I didn't stop us from continuing in our monotone repetitious chant of The Lord's Prayer.

Why? Well...think about it for a moment. As kids we played sports, we were ok, but as time went on and our bodies matured our knowledge grew, we followed the basics but we got better at the sports we played. Right? When we started liking girls, we wrote letters that said "Do you like me? Circle yes or no." And as time went on, we got smarter (some of us), we matured, and our game got better talking to women. So why are we still talking to God like we are little kids. It makes me wonder, how many of us leave our jobs or the gym, go home and have dinner and say...

"God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for our food."
We're not kids anymore. Everyone is not going to talk to good with the same level of confidence, but its time for us to stop acting and praying like children. We step our game up for everything else, lets step it up for God is '07. I'm done praying like a child, alone or in a group. I'm hungry for more out of life.

A small recognition...

As human beings we are always quick to say who we like as musicians, actors, and famous people in general. We often give these people praise for something that in the greater scheme of things is doing nothing to better the world we live in. This statement is not to descredit anyone, but I refuse to believe that one more remix of "We Fly High" is going to better society.
So today, I'd like to give props to a group of young ladies who are making an actual contribution to this world. For the last 3 years, I've served as a student leader intern in the Children's Defense Fund Freedom School program. And rather reflect on all of the negative I've seen in Black America, I want to recognize the spirit of Harriet Tubman, Ella Baker, Betty Shabazz and countless others living through the positive black sisters that I've met during my time with Freedom School. Cause honestly, I don't know where the black race would be without strong black women. And oh baby, please believe I worked with six of the strongest sisters I know this past summer. And I haven't even mentioned the ones I met from K.C., Jersey, STL, ATL, Minnesota, D.C, Texas, and New York. Just meeting you all made me appreciate so much more about what I love about my own skin color and it's history. Continue to do what you do and may God bless each and everyone of you I met and especially the ones I worked with. I love ya.
Ev
And for those of you I don't have a picture in the slide show, I'm sorry. I'll make sure to get more up soon. Peace.