Shame and Change

No one ever likes to be reminded of who they once were before they made that pivotal change in their life. You know that moment, where life's best moments and achievements are in a lighted view in a not so far distance. However at the same time, you look back over your past indiscretions with shame and slight embarrassment. I'm not talking about your mother holding up a pair of underwear in a department store and shouting out loudly..."Son do you like these?" Or not even that embarrassing moment when you bring a young lady home to meet your family for the first and your older cousins tell stories about the times you peed in the bed or break out naked booty baby photos. I'm talking about those times in your life when the only question that comes to mind is "What in the hell was I thinking?"

Honestly, in the back of my mind I knew Kenisha (Shon) would never be together. But for various stupid reasons I kept allowing myself to get caught up with her to the day she got married. I allowed my heart and mind to come into a agreement about the wrong person, Kenisha. Don't get it twisted, I had a lot of fun with her, I learned from her, but she wasn't right for me. I made a poor judgement call in trying to make someone who was in my life for a season and tried to make them into someone for a lifetime. That was the first mistake. Now the second mistake is really embarrassing. Because in retrospect, I played myself big time in a role that most women find themselves being in. First of all, I got myself twisted between real emotions and sex...and a lot of it. I think I was doomed for failure from the jump in this aspect. One, it had only been the summer since I had broken away from Audra. That was a GREAT thing. However, I noticed a lot of young women were dealing with me with kid gloves. So dating wasn't my thing for a moment. Now flirting was. Wow...I should have written my own book about flirting, dating, and getting numbers just from that summer alone. But that's another story. Anyway, once I met someone who didn't really know that situation and didn't care, it was cool. But inexperience in dealing with sex and emotions was my downfall. What was real and what felt good for the moment got crossed up. Now, this normally happens to women and they wind of staying in bad relationships or even going back to them. I stayed like a dummy knowing that the chance of actually being with her was slim. This is classic argument between mind and heart and being and Aries, we always take a shot even if there is a small possibility.

Anyway, it's been two years since what I've considered the worst day of my life, and these are the conclusions I've come to at this time:

1. It was not the worst day of my life. I wasn't smart enough to know that it was a new door opening for me.

2. Holding on to someone that isn't for you, will hold you up from the person that God is trying to bless you with.

3. Sex is a good thing. And if done the right way sex can be a GREAT thing. However, when outside of marriage it's nothing. See sex is a a physical act. When married it's a physical act and spiritual connection. Which trumps just the physical part of it alone. Having sex with someone you're in a relationship is actually a waste of time and a waste of your body. The act is supposed to be special and shared only with the person you have married. Which brings me to my next point..

4. If sex is that good when I thought I was in love and I thought I was making a connection...OH GOOD LORD! I CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET MARRIED. Just the thought of it is about to make me flip this table over. lol.

5. I really need to repent. Not only have I displeased God with my actions but in many ways I've given away parts of me that only belong to my wife. I pray that they both forgive me even though I don't know who or when my wife is coming.

6. My needs and wants from a wife should be clear. I know what I want from a wife but I have no clue what goes into a relationship that serious. So when I get there with whoever, I hope the lessons we learn together make us closer.

7. I need to get myself together to be that man. It's not enough being "that guy" but the best man I can be for God and for her.

With that, I'm out. Peace.