Learning to trust...

Scars are constant reminder of a time in your life when we have endured some type of physical pain. Take for instance the scar over my right eye just below my eye brow. When I take a close look at it, I can practically relive the the pick up game after my work out and feel the pain of an out controller player as I went for a steal and we bumped heads. I can even hear the thumping sound in my head and and see the blood flow. Or every time I look at my left index finger and see the scar on the lower part of my finger, I remember how I got my finger caught between a door at the Biomedical library at South Alabama while moving medical journals for the new shelves to be installed on the first floor. A little FYI, I get a little faint at the sight of blood, especially my own. Anyway, I've figured out that emotional scars work about the same way. However, familiar events or behavior can trigger old feelings of hurt even when you are in a new situation. I didn't realize until tonight, how deeply I was hurt by my girlfriend when we broke up. However, it wasn't her fault I had these emotional scars to begin with. It was a past relationship that made an already private person become even more emotionally secluded and distant to any notion of love. I realized I've put some young ladies between then and now through some hell for those reasons. Letting people get close to me is a hard thing for me to do in this life. With so many people bouncing in and out of my life, I haven't been the one to trust many in my life time. I think what makes things worse for me is that when I finally do allow myself to trust or allow someone to get close to me is when for whatever reason they leave. And for me abandonment is a feeling that cuts deeper than any physical pain. The crazy thing is I know we are gonna have our ups and downs. We have had those moments already, but as much as I love you, care for you, need you, and want you, sometimes I can't help but to feel nervous. I could have everything in this world but a sense of peace in my heart with these trust issues would be better than silver and gold. I love you and I'm getting better each day as I grow as a young man, but most importantly as I grow as a Christian man. Please bear with me as these emotional scars continue to heal. I love you.