mood:amused

As you can see it has been days upon days missing from my journal, but if you can keep up you know why. Today is a pretty descent day. So I'm not going to complain about anything. I'm hanging in there with this school thing which is turning out to be the longest 5 years of my life. Well officially 5 this summer. I figure by the time I graduate I will have 150 credits and they still might not let me leave. Anyway, I guess everything else is good. So what more can I say? Oh yeah...what a poor attempt to blow Shon off like she isn't in the back of my mind. She called Thursday morning right after my first class going on about how much she misses me and she dreams aboout me every night. Now what makes this conversation odd is the fact that she is on her honeymoon in the...Uh...I can't spell, but I think it is Poconose. (Speak and spell) Yeah. Anyway, too make the conversation even more interesting lets throw in the segment of the conversation:

Shon: I really wanted to hear your voice...
Me: Really? Why is that?
Shon: Cause I miss you and I dream about you every night.

(Pause) You're dreaming about another man while you're on your honey moon. Uh. Okay... (Play)

Me: Hmmmmm....Should I ask?
Shon: I'll tell you now.
Me: Naw. Save it until you get back.
Shon: Uh...Okay. Yeah but it don't look good for home team.
Me: Who me?
Shon: No. Him.

(Pause) Two thoughts here. One, wouldn't it be great if we could TIVO life? Two, does this sound like someone who should have gotten married at all or just to this guy? Uh...Okay. (Play)

Me: Why you say that?
Shon: Well...
Me: Nevermind. Save it until you get back. And aren't you using his phone to call me?
Shon: Yeah. I hope he doesn't scan over his phone bill.
Me: Ya think?Shon: Well, I gotta get out of the car, we are headed to Florida.
Me: I don't want to know that.
Shon: No. I want you to know everything.
Me: Uh...yeah. Shon: Okay?
Me: I guess?
Shon: Well I need to go. I'll see you in a couple of days. I miss you.
Me: Huh?
Shon: I said I miss you. Now I have to go. Okay? I'll see you when I get back.
Me: Huh?
Shon: Bye boy...
Me: Huh?
Shon: Say bye.
Me: Oh. Uh...bye.

So...would anyone like to comment on the fact that she called me on her honeymoon several times and has been thinking of me? Anybody? You? How about you in the back? Up front? Yes you ma'am...
Young lady: Well I think...
Me: (Rock like voice) IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT TOU THINK!

LOL! I'm just playing cause you know the whole idea of this all went straight to my head. Yeah, I'm officially big sexy and can't nobody tell me different for the next 72 hours. Holla at cha boy. Peace.

You don't have to...

Mood:confused

If I know what to say, or if I knew what to feel. I would say it right now. But I trully don't know what to think at this moment...Shon, is getting married today to a man that she cares about, but is not in love with. Who is she in love with? She is in love with me. Well, we met up at the park around 2:00 a.m., and what was supposed to be a 20 minute meeting or chill time, turned into an 2 hour emotional scence straight out of a Oscar winning movie. Hmmmmmm. Would I ever marry anyone cause that is what everyone expected me to do, even though in my heart of heart's I'm in love with someone else? I don't know. But a lady in the cafe that is really cool with me, told me that she was in the exact same situation many years ago and has been unhappy since. She is still married and in love with another man from nearly 20 years ago. So why does this even happen. In the end, today I feel...

alone, lost, and hurt.

This is easily the worst day of my life.

Text messages

I got a text message that says:

Just wanted 2 let you know you know that I have carpet burns on my butt.

Wow. Do I need to get into detail on this one. Sometimes passion just takes you away right were you stand. Or where you sit. Or where you fall down in this case. Love is a hell of a drug.

Lord help me...

If there was any other time that I needed guidance, then it is trully now. With all that I have been through since I stepped on this campus two years ago, I am trully frustrated. However, I won't give up. I have faith in you Lord and whatever reason you have me here, please give me the strength to endure and overcome. I can't do this alone and forgive me for ever trying. It's because of you, that I am here, it's because of you, I am who I am. For that I am trully greatful and I put none before you. Please show me the way and I will follow...