Shame and Change

No one ever likes to be reminded of who they once were before they made that pivotal change in their life. You know that moment, where life's best moments and achievements are in a lighted view in a not so far distance. However at the same time, you look back over your past indiscretions with shame and slight embarrassment. I'm not talking about your mother holding up a pair of underwear in a department store and shouting out loudly..."Son do you like these?" Or not even that embarrassing moment when you bring a young lady home to meet your family for the first and your older cousins tell stories about the times you peed in the bed or break out naked booty baby photos. I'm talking about those times in your life when the only question that comes to mind is "What in the hell was I thinking?"

Honestly, in the back of my mind I knew Kenisha (Shon) would never be together. But for various stupid reasons I kept allowing myself to get caught up with her to the day she got married. I allowed my heart and mind to come into a agreement about the wrong person, Kenisha. Don't get it twisted, I had a lot of fun with her, I learned from her, but she wasn't right for me. I made a poor judgement call in trying to make someone who was in my life for a season and tried to make them into someone for a lifetime. That was the first mistake. Now the second mistake is really embarrassing. Because in retrospect, I played myself big time in a role that most women find themselves being in. First of all, I got myself twisted between real emotions and sex...and a lot of it. I think I was doomed for failure from the jump in this aspect. One, it had only been the summer since I had broken away from Audra. That was a GREAT thing. However, I noticed a lot of young women were dealing with me with kid gloves. So dating wasn't my thing for a moment. Now flirting was. Wow...I should have written my own book about flirting, dating, and getting numbers just from that summer alone. But that's another story. Anyway, once I met someone who didn't really know that situation and didn't care, it was cool. But inexperience in dealing with sex and emotions was my downfall. What was real and what felt good for the moment got crossed up. Now, this normally happens to women and they wind of staying in bad relationships or even going back to them. I stayed like a dummy knowing that the chance of actually being with her was slim. This is classic argument between mind and heart and being and Aries, we always take a shot even if there is a small possibility.

Anyway, it's been two years since what I've considered the worst day of my life, and these are the conclusions I've come to at this time:

1. It was not the worst day of my life. I wasn't smart enough to know that it was a new door opening for me.

2. Holding on to someone that isn't for you, will hold you up from the person that God is trying to bless you with.

3. Sex is a good thing. And if done the right way sex can be a GREAT thing. However, when outside of marriage it's nothing. See sex is a a physical act. When married it's a physical act and spiritual connection. Which trumps just the physical part of it alone. Having sex with someone you're in a relationship is actually a waste of time and a waste of your body. The act is supposed to be special and shared only with the person you have married. Which brings me to my next point..

4. If sex is that good when I thought I was in love and I thought I was making a connection...OH GOOD LORD! I CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET MARRIED. Just the thought of it is about to make me flip this table over. lol.

5. I really need to repent. Not only have I displeased God with my actions but in many ways I've given away parts of me that only belong to my wife. I pray that they both forgive me even though I don't know who or when my wife is coming.

6. My needs and wants from a wife should be clear. I know what I want from a wife but I have no clue what goes into a relationship that serious. So when I get there with whoever, I hope the lessons we learn together make us closer.

7. I need to get myself together to be that man. It's not enough being "that guy" but the best man I can be for God and for her.

With that, I'm out. Peace.

Praying like a grown man...

Please don't take this as an hyper critical observation, but as black men we all really need to step up in our spiritual life. Now I understand, "The Lord's Prayer" is the model for prayer, and its a prayer shared in most athletic locker rooms across the counrty professional or otherwise, however, it is the same prayer most of us have been saying since we were beginning elementary school and playing little league football.

Before each game where I play once a week in a church league, there is a prayer before each game. Usually, someone is asked to volunteer to pray and then there is that awkward moment of silence before anyone steps up to pray. Then it hit me today, as black men including myself, we seem to get excited and volunteer for things that are not relevant to the growth of our walk with Christ. I was actually ashamed of myself that I didn't stop us from continuing in our monotone repetitious chant of The Lord's Prayer.

Why? Well...think about it for a moment. As kids we played sports, we were ok, but as time went on and our bodies matured our knowledge grew, we followed the basics but we got better at the sports we played. Right? When we started liking girls, we wrote letters that said "Do you like me? Circle yes or no." And as time went on, we got smarter (some of us), we matured, and our game got better talking to women. So why are we still talking to God like we are little kids. It makes me wonder, how many of us leave our jobs or the gym, go home and have dinner and say...

"God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for our food."
We're not kids anymore. Everyone is not going to talk to good with the same level of confidence, but its time for us to stop acting and praying like children. We step our game up for everything else, lets step it up for God is '07. I'm done praying like a child, alone or in a group. I'm hungry for more out of life.

A small recognition...

As human beings we are always quick to say who we like as musicians, actors, and famous people in general. We often give these people praise for something that in the greater scheme of things is doing nothing to better the world we live in. This statement is not to descredit anyone, but I refuse to believe that one more remix of "We Fly High" is going to better society.
So today, I'd like to give props to a group of young ladies who are making an actual contribution to this world. For the last 3 years, I've served as a student leader intern in the Children's Defense Fund Freedom School program. And rather reflect on all of the negative I've seen in Black America, I want to recognize the spirit of Harriet Tubman, Ella Baker, Betty Shabazz and countless others living through the positive black sisters that I've met during my time with Freedom School. Cause honestly, I don't know where the black race would be without strong black women. And oh baby, please believe I worked with six of the strongest sisters I know this past summer. And I haven't even mentioned the ones I met from K.C., Jersey, STL, ATL, Minnesota, D.C, Texas, and New York. Just meeting you all made me appreciate so much more about what I love about my own skin color and it's history. Continue to do what you do and may God bless each and everyone of you I met and especially the ones I worked with. I love ya.
Ev
And for those of you I don't have a picture in the slide show, I'm sorry. I'll make sure to get more up soon. Peace.